I have a confession to make. I have turned in to a recluse and I like it. I like it a lot and it’s making me a very bad friend (and maybe a bad person)? That part I don’t like, but apparently I am also not willing to change it.
I’d like to say it is a James thing, but it started a long time ago. (Even before Little Man, I think, but who can really remember back that far?) And it didn’t change in the brief period when Little Man had gone but before James arrived.
I like being at home. I like taking a nap when I am tired. I like not getting out of my pjs if I don’t feel like it. Where did my ambition go? Once upon a time I was going to change the world…
I know, I sound depressed… but I’m not. I’m content. I’m enjoying the quiet. I’m not missing the rat race. The politics I once loved – when I lived in DC – I often find tedious now (probably because I see no hope of the current political dynamic changing – and until it does, we’ll be going nowhere fast, IMHO).
I wish I was being more productive than I am. I also wish I was a better friend to my friends ‘cause I really do like them and enjoy their company. Of course, it is complicated by the fact that some of my best friends (I don’t have just one) live in faraway places (like Virginia and Ohio) and my family – who I’m happy to say I think of as friends – are all far off too. I’ve talked about getting a web cam or Skyping but inertia has taken over there as well.
And now that I do have James, I at least have a decent excuse to some extent. He does keep me busy and we do have fun – even if it is in our pjs some days! And it’s hard to mesh nap times and meal times with, I dunno, real life and leaving the house. It just feels easier to stay put than to pack up, head out, find a place to nurse when we need to, have the cooler bag with food and a back up bottle (if we’re lucky enough to have one that day), hope that he naps on the go, etc.
Thankfully I have understanding friends… but at some point I feel like I am going to exceed their understanding and good will. And yet, I nap rather than return calls. I check my Facebook or throw in some laundry or do a few dishes, rather than be a friend. Am I stupid? I’ve never thought of myself as the self-absorbed sort… yet here I am.
So if any of my friends are out there and reading this… I do love you. I do appreciate your presence in my life. And when I dig out of my myopic hole, I hope you’ll still be there – but I understand if your life has moved on too. I assume this phase will pass but I appreciate your patience while I’m here.